It’s been too long!

Umm… Hello All!

 It’s been too long. Really. I wish I had a legitimate excuse as to why I haven’t been writing. I have been busy but my blog was supposed to be my place to escape and have a little fun. Needless to say, the last few months have been far from fun.  Interesting, but no fun! So while I’ve taken on challenges to my physical, emotional, and professional life; I feel like it’s time to get back to basics. Sure, we’re in March but the year is just beginning for me.

 This years focus? Consistency! One post a week. Anything else is gravy. Topics? The many faces of me. And baby, there are many! I think…lol

 March Madness is here(yeah, I watch basketball!) But there won’t e any Bracketology here.  I’m going with the Syracuse Orange to take the men’s tournament and the … Oklahoma Sooners to take the women’s tournament. Two huge upsets! I just love drama.

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So Sick…

So I’ve fallen for someone. Again. Fortunately for him, and unfortunately for me, he has no clue. I also feel that it should and will remain that way. It’s not that I dislike myself or that I feel as though I’m not worthy of his companionship.  I just feel that like I have nothing to offer the relationship.

 I’m hard on myself. Overly critical at times. When will I get to the point of happiness? And if I never see that point, will I atleast get to satisfaction? I have personally built walls around myself and now I know why. I’m afraid. Afraid to fail, to take risks, to be judged. You see, the fear of coming up short hurts so much that I medicate myself with more of it. Did that make any sense? I’m not sure and I don’t really care. I know many people who are quite comfortable living this way but I’m not sure I can do it anymore. The fear is crippling!

-My fear of flying will prevent me from seeing the world.

-My fear of failure will force me to wonder might have been, had I gone to that audition or competition or interview.

And my fear of rejection will prevent me from finding my man. My partner. My opposite and equal. The funny thing is, the ones that I want are usually far from shy and timid. They expect, to some extent, to be approached and chased. What usually happens is I’ll toe the line but find a way to get out of the race before it begins. It’s been happening since the sixth grade. I didn’t finish the race (literally) and I really think its been haunting me ever since!

 So whats the remedy? If you’ve got it, please let me know. Kiemie is hurting right now! In the meantime, I’ll book the flight. I’ll also begin preparing for next. And who knows. I may even go back to the track and complete the race. Oh and  I might as well tap”him” on his shoulder while I’m at it. My issue has never been my initiative. It’s always been my execution follow-thru.

 Wish me luck and I’ll keep you posted.

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Coping and Healing

You never finishing growing and learning about yourself. That’s a revelation that I should have known but I seem to overlook the meanings of life’s simplest lessons.

So I’m at work today conversing with one of my associates. Let’s call him … Ah hell. I hate playing that game. Anywho, the associate started to play gospel music. A song, whose title escapes me but for some reason I remember. I remember how muhc I enjoyed that song, and singing. I remembered at that point, how much I loved life. Then the song, coupled with the memories it conjured up and my visualization of my reality, made me really depressed.  You see, The year and a half has been tough. Extremely tough. More challenging than many will ever know. And being the people-pleaser that I am, I just dealt with it. Or so I thought. I did everything I could to make myself busy and to limit the time I had to think or to mourn. Mourn is a better term because I feel as though I’ve lost a part of myself. A part of me died and I never dealt with it. I know that I may seem very vague at the moment and I hope to get to the point where I am strong enough elaborate but I am more than content with the baby step I’ve taken.

It all makes sense now. My inability to start, or complete many things was due to a lack of focus. So where do I go from here? I’m not sure but one things certain. I can’t stand still. I’ve got to keep moving. The direction at this point doesn’t really matter. I have to determine if I’m still alive inside first.

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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear
is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people
won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And when we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

- Marianne Williamson

Damn, I needed that!

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Viewing life from the rearview mirror

Man, what the hell am I doing? Or not doing…

I took some time out and read every one of my posts. It didn’t take me very long because there weren’t many to read! That revelation doesn’t sit well with me.  As I approach the  holiday season and the upcoming New Year, I couldn’t help but notice that I didn’t accomplish any of my new years resolutions. Not one! Not even close! It has become apparent that my lack of self control and discipline has put me in a hole that I can’t seem to get out of. What am I to do?

 However, I am gonna keep my chin up and keep moving.  At some point, I’ll get out of the hole but it wont happen without any effort.  So with that being said, I must set goals now. I refuse to wait for New Years because we never accomplish those goals. I’ll also take small steps toward success instead of the giant leaps that didn’t lead me anywhere. So my goals for now are…

1. Increase Physical Activity.

Sure I could say that I’d like to lose weight but the key to keeping it off will require a certain level of consistent activity and adopting healthier eating habits. I have to start out slow if I am going to achieve this goal. Not because I don’t know what I’m doing, but because I’m easily distracted and poorly disciplined. So the baby steps I’ll focus on are actually getting to the gym and to the grocery store.  Those two activities go hand in hand. I’m usually ok once I get to the gym. The hard part is getting there. And  as for eating, I’d eat out everyday if I could. Buying groceries will force me to cook, which will allow me to control my caloric intake and my budget!

2.Write More Often

The blog has been therapeutic in some ways. There is a ton that I’ve yet to divulge and that’s because I have not allowed myself the time to get comfortable. Feedback was something I was dependent on and when I didn’t see the responses I thought I was supposed to get, I guess I got discouraged. The funny thing is, I got more inquiries once I stopped writing! The key for me is to write for myself and embrace what ever comes from that point. No expectations.

So progress may not have been made but it’s still on my mind.

What are YOU doing?

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I am sooo lame! A reflection…

Please allow me to beat up on mysel for a minute.  I was on Myspace today and decided to view my own profile. I havent done that in ages! I also was very upset at what I saw. Some of my comments in the interests sections  have me questioning my judgement. Lets try to beak down what I’m talking about.

 In the Music Section, I say:

I like everthing. Anything that Timbaland and Missy Elliot create stay in heavy rotation. I also like contemporary and traditional R&;B. I can get into some of the rap but a lot of the current shit is garbage. It also isn’t farfetched to find me listening to pop music either. I think Britney Spears and Christina Augilera are great and Justin Timberlake will be president some day.

I am ashamed! lol. I still like everything but Missy and Tim have become a bit annoying (although Ms Elliots work with Jazmine Sullivan has been quite refreshing). Rap is still garbage and I still think Britney is great. Christina… is an outstanding vocalist and Justin Timberlake is a great performer but neither of them get any play in my ipod now, so are they still relevant?

In the Movies Section, I say:

I don’t watch a lot of movies and I don’t buy or keep a collection of dvd’s . I dont like to see anything twice so I hope it was really good the first time. The last good movies I saw would probably be Knocked Up.

Oh, the errors! Never edit your profile while sleepy. And while I have gone to the movies since seeing knocked up, the best movie I’ve seen since then would probably be Sex & The City. And I still dont believe in collecting dvds. Not when there’s netflix…

In Television, I say:

I will watch any reality TV show or real estate show on television. It’s sad but true. America’s Next Top Model, all of the MTV, VH1 and Bravo reality shows are addictive. When I’m not watching those shows, my TV is on HGTV. You gotta know “What You Can Get for the Money!“

I couldn’t tell you whats going on on ANTM anymore. And what the hell is MTV? Oh wait, they broadcast the Aubrey O’day and Diddy show. VH1 is pure fuckery nowadays and HGTV’s lineuphas gone a bit bland. Thank god for sports.

In Books, I say:

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey and several magazines control my life. Cargo and Detail magazines are like bibles. I’ve started the Rich Dad Series as well.

 Umm, can I be honest? Truth is I never finished Stephen Covey’s book. I was reading it when I updated my info but I never finished it. I even bought the audio version and it was just as dry. No fun at all. Cargo was discontinued too! So much for periodicals! I subscribed to Bleu Magazine months ago and have yet to receive an issue…

In Heroes, I say:

The truly unique and innovative. My mentors proved that there are some truly great faculty within the public school system. Some others are Madame CJ Walker, Thurgood Marshall, Oprah Winfrey, Russell Simmons, Tyra Banks and Kevin Aviance! You Betta Work!

So I totally understand and can stand by The Madame, Judge Marshall, Oprah, Russ, and even Tye Tye but umm, Kevin Aviance throws me for a loop. He’s a great performer but was probably in the wrong category. What the hell was I thinking?

 Reviewing my page made me realize just shallow, under-read, and inexperienced I really am. I’ve really got to do more and do better. How are you doing?

Oh, and I’m back!

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Distracted.

Ok. so it’s been….. a while since I’ve posted.  I haven’t forgotten about this place. The blog has been my safe zone for some time and took me through a time more tumultuous than many will ever know. For the past couple of weeks I wondered if the blog had served its purpose and I was actually prepared to shut it down. But I refuse to go out this way. There is more of myself that I need to share. More elements that I want to expose myself to. But discipline is key and that’s where I’m lacking. So I have to give it another try.

Right now, I can say that I’m distracted. To say that I’ve fallen off the horse is an understatement. When I think back to where I wanted to be 6 months ago, I’m shocked to see where I am now. I work at a place that I don’t particularly like and it occupies more of my time than I’d like it to. Plus, I never quit my other job either! I’m not sure if I’ve just turned a blind eye to my financial scenario or if these bills have fallen out of the sky, but I definitely have to get my ish together.  Sadly, I know I can’t eliminate any of my distractions so I’m going to have to to work with them. Incorporate them into my life.

Like Tim Gunn says, “Make it Work!”

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The Espys Are here! and Yes, I care!

Who says the gays don’t get into sports? I know I do! So I found the coolest blog, Sportz-N-Album Cutz , which is a site about sports from an urban female perspective. I’m fucking giddy right now. Anywho, She posted the nominees for the espys and asked for predictions so I hadddd to oblige. I know most of my readers will bypass this post, but let me have my moment? The inner jock in my is one of many personalities. Oh and I’ve omitted a few categories too.

Below are the nominees for the 2008 Excellence in Sports Performance Yearly Awards, which will take air on ESPN on July 20 @9pm and Justin Timberlake will be hosting. The winners are based on fan votes and you can go HERE to vote.

Best Male Athlete
Tiger Woods, Golf
Tom Brady, New England Patriots
Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers
Alex Rodriguez, New York Yankees

Who will win: Tiger Woods

Who should win: Kobe Bryant.

Bryant’s coming off a year that saw him win the MVP and take a team of less than stellar players to the NBA finals. Bum knee or not, Woods was supposed to win every tournament he entered. I’m not sure many people had the same expectations for Kobe.

Best Female Athlete
Lorena Ochoa, Golf
Candace Parker, Los Angeles Sparks
Danica Patrick, Auto Racing
Lindsey Vonn, Skiing

Who will win: Candace Parker

Who Should win: Lorena Ochoa

Lorena has established herself as the next great female golfer since Annika with her mutliple wins this season. Yeah Parker can dunk, and she’s kinda cute, and she will become the most marketable female athlete that doesn’t play tennis, and she played with the bum shoulder………I’m STILL going with Lorena! I’m not a hater! Go Nicky Anosike!

Best Moment Great Sportsman Ship,

Central Washington Vs. Western Oregon Softball
Jon Lester’s No-Hitter
Danica Patrick Wins

Danica all the way baby!

Best Team
Boston Red Sox
New York Giants
Boston Celtics
Kansas Men’s Basketball
Tennessee Women’s Basketball
Detroit Red Wings

Who will win: Boston Celtics

Who should win: Tennessee Lady Vols

Name a mens college bball team to have their entire starting team be drafted to the pros? This team did not have a weakness and has slowly begun to elevate the presence of the WNBA! You have Candace Doing her thing  and is a candidate for MVP as a rookie, Alexis Hornbuckle leads league in steals, Shannon Bobbitt is a Spark in more ways than one (although not valued in L.A.) and Nicky Anosike has started every game and proven herself to be pivotal in the resurgence of the Minnesota Lynx!

Best Coach-Manager
Terry Francona, Boston Red Sox
Tom Coughlin, New York Giants
Pat Summitt, Tennessee Women’s Basketball
Doc Rivers, Boston Celtics

Pat Summit all the way. It’s one thing to recruit or acquire talent. It’s something totally different to actually know what to do with it!

Best Game
Super Bowl: Giants Over Patriots
NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship: Kansas Over Memphis
NBA Finals, Game 4: Celtics Over Lakers

The super bowl was the best football game I have ever seen!

Best Championship Performance
Venus Williams, 2007 Wimbledon
Josh Beckett, 2007 Baseball Playoffs
Rafael Nadal, 2008 French Open
Tiger Woods, 2008 U.S. Open

Who will win: Tiger Woods

Who should win: Venus Williams

Venus never complains. Not about injuries, not about seeds, or conditions! Venus all the way!

Best Upset
Appalachian State: Stuns Michigan In College Football, 34-32
Da’ Tara: Wins The Belmont Stakes As A 38-1 Longshot
New York Giants: Beat Patriots In The Super Bowl
Fresno State: Beats Georgia To Win The College World Series

The Patriots losing was just blasphemy!

Best Breakthrough Athlete
Adrian Peterson, Minnesota Vikings
Stephen Curry, Davidson Basketball
Kyle Busch, Nascar
Ana Ivanovic, Tennis

As deep as womens tennis is, I’m going to go with a Kyle Busch!

Best Record-Breaking Performance
Barry Bonds, San Francisco Giants
Brett Farve, Green Bay Packers
Usain Bolt, Track And Field
Tom Brady & Randy Moss, New England Patriots

Bolt, because he did it so easily! He broke his in under 10 seconds! no one else comes close!

Best Male College Athlete
Tim Tebow, Florida Football
Tyler Hansbrough, North Carolina Basketball
Michael Beasley, Kansas State Basketball

Michael Beasley. How’d he lose player of the year?

Best Female College Athlete
Candace Parker, Tennessee Basketball
Angela Tincher, Virginia Tech Softball
Rachel Dawson, North Carolina Field Hockey

Jacqueline Johnson won four Ncaa Heptathlon titles and I believe two Pentathlon titles as well. The fact that she isn’t in this category makes me highly upset.

Best Male International Athlete
Kaka, Soccer
Manu Ginobili, Basketball
Cristiano Ronaldo, Soccer
Rafael Nadal, Tennis

Rafa!

Best Female International Athlete
Marta, Soccer
Lorena Ochoa, Golf
Lauren Jackson, Basketball
Justine Henin, Tennis

A legend who flakes out and retires in the middle of the season ( a winning season at that) deserves no recognition. The award should go to Ochoa.

Best NBA Player
Lebron James, Cleveland Cavaliers
Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers
Chris Paul, New Orleans Hornets
Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic
Kevin Garnett, Boston Celtics

King James is just sick!

Best WNBA Player
Lauren Jackson, Seattle Storm
Diana Taurasi, Phoenix Mercury
Becky Hammon, San Antonio Silver Stars
Seimone Augustus, Minnesota Lynx

Candace parker is better than all of these womwn and howdo you present a category and leave out the Finals MVP? Cappie Pondexter deserved to win!

Best NFL Player
Tom Brady, New England Patriots
Randy Moss, New England Patriots
Ladainian Tomlinson, San Diego Chargers
Bob Sanders, Indianoplis Colts
Brett Favre, Green Bay Packers
Eli Manning , New York Giants

Eli Showed his nuts in the superbowl. to hell with the other 16 weeks!

Best Male Tennis Player
Roger Federer
Rafael Nadal
Novak Djokovic
Bob And Mike Bryan

Rafa is closing fast but it will go to Roger.

Best Female Tennis Player
Justine Henin
Maria Sharapova
Ana Ivanovic

Sharapova is duffy and Justine is a dude. Ivanovic wins by default. Allez!

Best Track And Field Athlete
Tyson Gay
Allyson Felix
Jeremy Wariner
Usain Bolt

Why isnt this a male/female category? Ridiculous. Jeremy Wariner will probably win although Tyson gay should. But Allyson felix has the talent to break world records in the 200 and 400 meters which are currently held by men who ran in wigs! just unfair!

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The Olympic Track and Field Trials: The Drama, Baby!

Those who know me well  know that I am a bit of jock and that my favorite sport of all time is Track and Field. This week, Track and Field takes center stage as the selection competition for the 2008 Olympic Games takes place. There are too many events and too many people to talk about but I definitely want to say a congrats to Muna Lee, who is the Olympic Trials 100m Champion!

Also, I’d like to give a huge shout out to New Yorker Natasha Hastings and fellow blogger Brianna Glenn. Natasha is running in tonight’s stacked 400m final and Bri is in the Long Jump final. Y’all betta work!

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Hanging with the Heteros: Hancock, Hen-Dawg, and Hangovers!

Did I tell you guys that I love my new job? Sure the actual duties are a bit remedial and repetitive but the people are fabulous and crazy! The office simply CANNOT contain the personalities so I’ll do my damndest to portray as many here on the site and in a few other yet-to be determined outlets. Any-who decided to catch the early release of Hancock and go home. That’s it. Pretty straightforward and clean, right? Not when you go out with Evie and Gina! So we sifted through times square at midnight  looking for a bar worthy of our appearance. To our surprise and dismay, Times Square really does go quiet because there wasn’t much to choose from.  So we settled for Smith’s Bar.

Walking up to the bar, It really did feel as though we had settled. Until we met the bouncer. I love NYC! There is nothing like it! So many beautiful people and there are still a few that don’t know how beautiful they are! Well, the plan was to get a drink and leave. One harmless drink! Wait, it wasn’t even supposed to be a drink, we were supposed to have a shot of Patron! Well one drink led to a few and being the personalities that we are, also meant more interaction with the locals, which in Times Square were probably tourists.

The disclaimer here should be that I have recently been re-introduced to alcohol and I was later informed that Gina doesn’t drink!

 Really Gurl? What the hell is this?

 Long story short, we acted a fool and capped off our night/morning with Hennessy (Hen-Dawg to the winos) with beer chasers. All did in fact end well.

3 over priced movie tickets: $34.50

 Unknown amounts of Liquor: Price unknown due to Gina’s talented networking skills and our new friends…

 Getting to see Gina deny this guy a taste of the forbidden chocolate and Evie apparently snag the bouncer: Priceless.

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